Depending upon when you are reading
this blog post, the FIFA World Cup has ended/is underway/is soon to commence.
Regardless, this post is relevant to most sports, except, for instance, golf.
(Does golf really even count as a sport? I mean, all you do is hit a ball with
a strangely-shaped stick called a "club" (A club? What are we,
cavemen?) and hope that it falls into a hole. You then causally strut over to
where the ball landed (or, if you feel exceedingly lazy, you can take a golf
cart) and continue to prod the ball until it falls into the hole. Then you move
onto the next hole, and repeat. Stay tuned for my rant on golf!*)
*I’m not writing a rant on golf. It doesn’t even count as a
sport.
Every
sport that counts as a sport (A.K.A. not golf) requires all of the members of
the team to pull their weight. Defenders need to defend, scorers need to score,
and benchwarmers need to bench. Wait, no. They need to warm the bench. Yeah,
that!
Benchwarmers
need to warm the bench, and they need to do it well. They need to reach and maintain
OBT (Optimal Bench Temperature). OBT is defined as standard human body
temperature, which is quantified as 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, or, for you folks
who are inclined to using the metric system, 37 degrees Celsius. It is the
benchwarmers’ job to ensure that the active players do not have to suffer the
agony of a cold bench. A cold bench draws heat energy away from the active
players’ bodies, which can cause their muscles to tire, cramp, and, eventually,
give out.
So, what
are the steps to becoming an effective benchwarmer? Well, a good benchwarmer
starts the day with a hearty breakfast, ideally one that contains at least
3,927 calories. Try to avoid vegetables and fruits as much as possible, and
focus on cramming in as many carbohydrates, sugars, and fats as possible. More
body weight allows for a greater surface area, which will allow you to more
effectively warm larger portions of the bench.
During
practices, your team will likely be doing some productive, healthy workouts and
training exercises. Rather than partaking with them, you should be sitting on
the closest chair, practicing some warming techniques. Occasional flatulence
will allow you to rapidly spread heat to the area of the bench immediately
beneath you. While you’re on the bench, you want to keep a constant pace of
shifting around every 2 minutes or so. Work out a system with your fellow
benchwarmers so that no portion of the bench is left uncovered for a period
longer than three seconds. This keeps the bench at a nice, even temperature
throughout. You don’t want the bench to be too cold in one place and too warm
in another. Wear thick, heavy clothes made of wool. You may be sweltering, but
it’s a sacrifice you need to make for your team. Bring four boxes of Twinkies
with you to practice in order to further your body’s surface area. You need to
be ready for the big game! By closely following these steps, you should be an
amazing benchwarmer! (You’ll also probably be obese and dead in no time, but it’s
a sacrifice you need to make for your team! Besides, you get courtside seating
to all of the games, and you might even get to interact with the actual players
now and then!)
Good
benchwarmers are integral to a good team. Otherwise, failure will surely ensue.
Heck, LeBron James left the Miami Heat because the benchwarmers were
inadequate. Pick it up, Miami!
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