A Benchwarmer's Guide to Benchwarming

Depending upon when you are reading this blog post, the FIFA World Cup has ended/is underway/is soon to commence. Regardless, this post is relevant to most sports, except, for instance, golf. (Does golf really even count as a sport? I mean, all you do is hit a ball with a strangely-shaped stick called a "club" (A club? What are we, cavemen?) and hope that it falls into a hole. You then causally strut over to where the ball landed (or, if you feel exceedingly lazy, you can take a golf cart) and continue to prod the ball until it falls into the hole. Then you move onto the next hole, and repeat. Stay tuned for my rant on golf!*)

*I’m not writing a rant on golf. It doesn’t even count as a sport.

              

  Every sport that counts as a sport (A.K.A. not golf) requires all of the members of the team to pull their weight. Defenders need to defend, scorers need to score, and benchwarmers need to bench. Wait, no. They need to warm the bench. Yeah, that!

                Benchwarmers need to warm the bench, and they need to do it well. They need to reach and maintain OBT (Optimal Bench Temperature). OBT is defined as standard human body temperature, which is quantified as 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, or, for you folks who are inclined to using the metric system, 37 degrees Celsius. It is the benchwarmers’ job to ensure that the active players do not have to suffer the agony of a cold bench. A cold bench draws heat energy away from the active players’ bodies, which can cause their muscles to tire, cramp, and, eventually, give out.

                So, what are the steps to becoming an effective benchwarmer? Well, a good benchwarmer starts the day with a hearty breakfast, ideally one that contains at least 3,927 calories. Try to avoid vegetables and fruits as much as possible, and focus on cramming in as many carbohydrates, sugars, and fats as possible. More body weight allows for a greater surface area, which will allow you to more effectively warm larger portions of the bench.

                During practices, your team will likely be doing some productive, healthy workouts and training exercises. Rather than partaking with them, you should be sitting on the closest chair, practicing some warming techniques. Occasional flatulence will allow you to rapidly spread heat to the area of the bench immediately beneath you. While you’re on the bench, you want to keep a constant pace of shifting around every 2 minutes or so. Work out a system with your fellow benchwarmers so that no portion of the bench is left uncovered for a period longer than three seconds. This keeps the bench at a nice, even temperature throughout. You don’t want the bench to be too cold in one place and too warm in another. Wear thick, heavy clothes made of wool. You may be sweltering, but it’s a sacrifice you need to make for your team. Bring four boxes of Twinkies with you to practice in order to further your body’s surface area. You need to be ready for the big game! By closely following these steps, you should be an amazing benchwarmer! (You’ll also probably be obese and dead in no time, but it’s a sacrifice you need to make for your team! Besides, you get courtside seating to all of the games, and you might even get to interact with the actual players now and then!)

                Good benchwarmers are integral to a good team. Otherwise, failure will surely ensue. Heck, LeBron James left the Miami Heat because the benchwarmers were inadequate. Pick it up, Miami!

How Not to be Fooled on April Fools'

As you know, today is April 1st, otherwise known as "April Fools' Day." If you didn't know that, well now you do. Isn't this blog just full of information?

Now, most people do not enjoy being fooled. Being the victim of April Fools' Day trickery makes you look and feel foolish. Thus, we here at the Rinse and Lather Blog have come up with various techniques to prevent you from being fooled, both today and on forthcoming April Fools' occasions.

First and foremost, be careful of your surroundings at all times. Watch out  for people who may have put toothpaste in the inside of your shoes! Check your pillows for baking soda! Also watch out for any "kick me" signs that may have been taped to your back. While you're at it, watch for any "kick me" signs that may have been taped to your car. (Although, with the way that South Floridians drive, your car is just as likely to suffer damage whether or not you have a "kick me" sign attached to it.)

When you go to use the bathroom, be certain to watch for any plastic wrap that may have been wrapped around the toilet seat in such a manner that it may prevent any wastes from properly entering the toilet. (For those of you who are visual learners, we have an image of this below.)

Look at this high quality visual aid!

As a precaution, keep all razors, scissors, glue, sticky notes, and any other office supplies or materials that can be used to play tricks on you locked away in an undisclosed location until April 2nd. These materials are the building blocks for bigger pranks, and thus are a threat to your well-being for the day. Try to keep your phone out of reach of anyone, and keep your communication to a minimum. When you do communicate, be skeptical of everything everyone says. Trust no one. Except us. You can trust us. We are two, highly untrained, non-professionals. Nothing to worry about here!

You know what? While you're at it, you might as well stay home today. No one can fool you if you don't interact with anyone! Do you live with other people? No big deal! Just run away from home for a day! No one will miss you! Besides, you'll be back tomorrow!

Oh, and most importantly: DO NOT use the internet. The World Wide Web is the #1 source of media for tricks on April Fools' Day. Don't believe anything that you see/read on the internet on April 1st. That includes Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube. That includes blogs that are run by two gentlemen who publicly post advice on topics such as "Getting Through the Workweek" and "How Not to be Fooled on April Fools'" under the guise of helping you rid yourself of 99.9% of bacteria by rinsing and lathering. Don't listen to anything any of those people say. You don't want to be fooled, do you!?

Addendum: By "fool" I mean 'a foolish person,' or 'one who is fooled.' I do not mean the popular Egyptian dish consisting of cooked fava beans. (Depicted below).

As Mr. T once said, "I pity the fool!" No, not the food kind.

Tony's Tips for the Workweek

Alas, the weekend has gone by, and we prepare ourselves to start a new week; a week full of stress, distress, and work; a week of waking up early and not going to sleep early enough; a week of working hard, intermingled with bouts of hardly working. The workweek sucks, so I've compiled some tips that'll ensure your survival.

Are your classmates or coworkers causing you to become infuriated? Just try to ignore them and take a deep breath. Walk away from the situation and come back later when you have obtained some pointy and sharp objects (preferably with serrated edges, so as to cause maximum damage).

Are your teachers being annoying and assigning too much work that takes you too long to do? I've got a simple fix for you! Just suck it up, stop being lazy, and do the work! Teachers can do whatever they want within the scope of their profession, and that includes assigning homework! Thinking about cheating? Don't do it! Plagiarism is a serious federal offense that could land you in prison! Not to mention it's morally wrong.
But who am I kidding? Just cheat, that's what all the cool kids do! You know what else the cool kids do? Drugs! You should probably try some of those, too!

Has your boss got you down because he's asking too much of you/ not paying you enough/ is out to get you/ (insert common complaint that people have about their bosses here)? Well, I've got news for you! Quit your job! You don't need him any more than he needs you, anyway! Then, sue him for all of his possessions under the guise that he did something unlawful towards you! With no evidence at all and no credible grounds for the lawsuit, you're sure to win! Just make sure to send us some of the money that you win from the case!

With these surefire tips, you'll certainly be able to make it through the week, all while maintaining your sanity! Then, you can waste the next weekend, pretend to do something productive, and then do it all over again the following week! (Unless of course you actually followed any of this advice. In that case, you're probably either in prison, bankrupt, or dead. Or any combination of those three things.)

As always, don't forget to wash your hands! And when you do, don't forget to Rinse and Lather. Slather.

P.S. For those of you that have school/work off tomorrow because of good old President's Day, just reread this post tomorrow before actually beginning your week. (Or something like that. You're smart, I trust you to be able to figure a solution out.)
Also, consider yourself lucky, because Nova Southeastern University does not grant its students the liberty of having days off to commemorate past presidents. (That's right, I just publicly called you out on the internet, NSU. Your move.)

In The Beginning

Hello and welcome. 

This new blog website is the child of a series of conversations that happened in my office at school where I work. We all know that creativity comes from conversations with people that take unexpected turns. Like turns of a roller coaster, the thrills are endless, and we go on again and again. So step in line and get ready to go on the ride with me. Just to be official, today is Thursday, February 13th, and this is my first post ever. In commemoration of Valentines day tomorrow, I have done you all a favor by putting together a few brief points on how to make a good impression on a first date. 

Go time.. 

1.      Be on time (except in Miami)

2.       Make sure you are well-groomed and smell nicely

3.       Check your breathe (just in case you get a kiss)

4.       Ask questions to get to know as much as you can about your date

5.       Be positive, don’t be bitter, have FUN

6.       Be courteous to the other person’s preferences

7.       Don’t talk about past relationships

8.       Leave your cell phone out of it

The End

Classic dates rocked. Bring them back people!